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Major U.S. Company Replacing Workers With Aliens

One of Chicago’s largest employers has secretly started to hire aliens to replace its human workers. Wicked Scholar editor Eric Wolf was on a tour of the company’s manufacturing facility when he practically walked into one of the aliens as it came out of a bathroom. “I was so scared I almost swallowed my own vomit,” reports Wolf. “Fortunately, I had my camera in hand and was able to snap off one photo before I fainted. I came quite close to dying there on the floor of the factory but then I got better.”

The Wicked Scholars would love to reveal the name of the company using the alien work force but we are afraid to because they might sue us. Later in the tour, Wolf ran into the alien again and this time attempted to engage the alien in conversation using the Klingon he had learned while watching Star Trek. With a look of surprise that could easily have been mistaken for the type of look we usually reserve for particularly disgusting drunk people with open sores all over their faces and vomit running down the front of their urine stained pants, the alien listened to Wolf’s attempts to speak Klingon to it. After several moments the alien began to speak perfect English. Apparently, the alien, who Wolf later discovered had assumed the earth name Kevin, had learned to speak English by watching old George Carlin videos.

Without understanding what he was saying, the alien unleashed a torrent of obscenities and profanity. A less open minded and intelligent person than Wolf might have gotten the wrong impression and taken offense to the torrent with potentially devastating repercussions for intergalactic relations. When Wolf attempted to sing “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” to the alien, he was attacked with a very large wrench. Wolf’s bodyguard Guiseppi stepped in and, wrestling the alien to the ground, once again saved Wolf’s life.

While the alien was being treated in the first aid room for knife wounds, Wolf attempted to speak to one of the company’s hundreds of managers. Unfortunately, they had all locked themselves in their offices. The police arrived and arrested Wolf and Guiseppi before they could get the answers our readers demand. Once the restraining order has expired, we will return to "the company" and have a little conversation with “Kevin.” Read The Wicked Scholar for an update.

One of the scary aliens found working in Chicago

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© 2004 The Wicked Scholar