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The Anal Probe - What is It?

A common thread runs through almost all accounts of abduction by aliens – the infamous anal probe. Abductees are often seen in tear filled interviews, recounting in halting speech how their bottoms were violated by that most diabolical of alien scientific instruments. The Wicked Scholars decided to do some probing of their own, to find out why the anal probe has become such a high profile fixture of abduction research. Our search took us first to Dr. Arne Hansen, renowned Mammalian Physiologist from Case Western Reserve University. We asked Dr. Hansen about the sort of information aliens would be able to get by sticking a scientific instrument up someone’s ass.

According to Dr. Hansen, the anus really isn’t the “window to the soul” so to speak. “There really isn’t a whole lot that you can learn about an animal by examining its anus and rectum. Certainly, you can get a very accurate core body temperature reading by using a rectal thermometer, and of course, the anus is the usual entry point for certain diagnostic procedures, for example, when looking for cancers of the colon. However, if you discovered a new species and you wanted to find out how it worked, it’s unlikely that you would get a whole lot of information by examining its rectum. I would think that if an alien race had the technology to travel here from another galaxy, they wouldn’t have to resort to sticking an instrument package into a test subject’s anus to find out how they ticked.”

The next step on our journey of discovery was a visit to the office of Dr. Laban Shewsbury, renowned Anthropologist and Professor Emiterus at Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts. We asked Dr. Shrewsbury why he thought anal probes figure so prominently in most alien abduction accounts. “When you think about it, our anus is our most private place. During sexual intercourse, we love to touch and stimulate our partner’s genitalia with our fingers and tongue, but for most people, the anus is very taboo. We don’t want to get shit in our mouth or on our fingers. People who engage in anal intercourse are considered to be risqué, kinky, and dirty. Most men are fascinated by the idea of anal intercourse, but few have the nerve to broach the subject with their partner because they know how repulsed most women are by the thought of having a penis stuck in their anus. Still, men and women are fascinated by buttocks and anuses. The thong bikini commonly seen on beaches around the world is designed to fully exhibit that most sensual part of the female anatomy. Any survey will say that the buttocks are the part of the male body that women find most sexy. Of course, it goes without saying that men are obsessed with butts.”

“We joke about butts and anuses all the time. As children, our first attempts at comedy usually involve potty jokes. We brag about the size of our stools to friends. We call people who annoy us “asshole” and “pain in the ass.” High school and college students have a peculiar predilection for “mooning” people. This fascination with butts and anuses is not confined to our species. Other animals are constantly sniffing each other’s anuses. Chimps and other primates expose their rear ends to members of other troops and to predators. Chimps throw feces when they become agitated.”

So why the connection between alien abductions and anuses? “Well, an abduction account would not be very sinister or frightening if abductees were taken to a martini lounge somewhere and examined while they sat back in a comfy chair and listened to jazz. For most people the very thought of having something inserted into their anus is absolutely horrifying. It is perhaps the worst form of violation that any of us can imagine. Most men would rather risk death than go to their doctor for a digital prostate examination.”

“People who claim to have been abducted by aliens crave sympathy and attention so they need to make the experience as frightening as possible. The experience needs to be terrifying enough that they can blame their inability to function normally in society on it. There also appears to be an anal-erotic component to this as well. There is evidence that people who claim to have been anally probed have a fascination with anal intercourse. Men who claim to have been subjected to anal probing by aliens probably have very strong homosexual urges and an unfulfilled desire for homosexual sex. Recent research indicates that when men who have reported recurring alien abductions involving anal probing become involved in homosexual relationships, the abductions miraculously stopped. Strangely enough, not one single person who claims to have been abducted and subjected to an anal probe by aliens admits to being a practicing homosexual.”

“The reality is, very few people who are well educated in the sciences believe in alien abductions and those that do are probably suffering from some form of mental illness. The people who believe that they have been abducted also tend to believe in sea monsters, ghosts, and duplicate earths on the opposite side of the sun. They have dull, empty lives and probably wish they could have anal sex. So, to spice things up they weave elaborate delusions that involve anal probing and other indignities. They join a network of other like minded individuals who also have the same fascination with anuses. They read the same silly pseudo science books that reinforce what they believe, and the probing goes on.”

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© 2004 The Wicked Scholar