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Wicked Scholars Don't Welcome American Deserters

As of late, a number of deserters from the American military have taken refuge in Canada. Estimates of their numbers range from 50 to several hundred. That the government of Canada doesn’t round them all up, put them on a bus, and ship them back to the US really irritates the Wicked Scholars who all served in the military as regular or mercenary officers. We decided to get to know one of the deserters to find out why they ran away like cowards from the military, and why they are fighting to stay in Canada and screw over decent, hard working Canadians when it’s obvious that the government, and the majority of Canadians don’t want them here. CC is originally from a southern state but is currently living somewhere in BC, where he has a menial job supplemented by social assistance. We spoke to him about his experiences and reasons for becoming an embarrassment to himself and his family, and potentially a criminal in his homeland.

WS - Why did you join the Army in the first place? Didn’t you realize that there would be a pretty good chance that you would have to go to a combat zone at some point in your career?

CC – Well, growing up in the south, I loved guns and hunting. I figured being in the Army would be a really good way to get paid to play with guns all the time and shoot things. I figured being a soldier would be really fun and cool.

WS – So, what changed your mind?

CC – Well, you know, in the Army you have to get up really early in the morning. I wasn’t used to that. It was really hard for me to get up before 10:00. Then, they sent me to Iraq.

WS – I guess you must have seen some pretty horrendous things over there.

CC – Not really. I manned a gate at a base. I sat around and read porno mags pretty much all day. It was really hot though and we had to get up really early.

WS – So, when did you decide to desert?

CC – The military sent me home for leave. All expenses paid – it was awesome. I was home for 2 weeks and got to sleep in every day. I couldn’t face the thought of getting up early again so I decided to make a run for Canada.

WS – So you deserted to avoid getting up early in the morning?

CC – Oh yeah, it was brutal.

WS – So, let me get this straight – you’re tying up Immigration Officials who are dealing with your case to avoid getting up early in the morning?

CC – Well, the food in the army isn’t very good either. They don’t eat possums or squirrels in the Army.

WS – What has your experience of living in Canada been like?

CC – Oh man, it’s been just awesome. I’m a celebrity dude. You should have seen my teeth when I arrived here. Now I have a movie star smile, all at the tax payer’s expense. People are rallying around me - I’m getting famous. Even girls are interested in me. They think I’m an outlaw. Plus they get all sympathetic . . . they’re like “oh you poor baby, you must have seen such horrible things over there. Is there anything I can do to take the pain away. . .” Man, I’m getting more pussy than you can shake a stick at. And the bud up here is just awesome! People give me food, money, clothes, sex. The government is giving me welfare, a place to stay, and is paying for my snowboard lessons. Back home, I didn’t even have a flush toilet. Now I have a jetted tub!

WS – What will you do if the government sends you back?

CC – Ahh, I’ll just go home, take my discharge, maybe spend a year in jail. No biggie. In a year I’ll be eating possums again, working in a convenience store, hanging with my buds. It won’t be so bad. I might knock some bitch here up and then try to stay on compassionate grounds. You know “you can’t break up my family.” Then, when I have my refugee status, I’ll ditch them and go hang out in Whistler.

WS - If you are sent back, once you've served whatever punishment you receive in the states, will you try to return legally to Canada to live permanently?

CC - Hell no. It's cold and boring up here. Let's face it, if I came back here, I'd just be some loser working in a convenience store.

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