Fun With a Big Flashlight
Over the past couple of weeks, a lot of people have been writing to
me asking "hey, Guiseppi, what can I do to defend myself in my own
home if some little piece of shit breaks in?" People are asking me
if they should buy a gun or a security system or something like that.
Well folks, you don't need a gun and you definitely don't need a
rinky dink $39 a month security system. What you really need is a
great big fucking steel flashlight.
Case in point. A couple of years ago I was in bed sleeping. I guess I heard a noise because I suddenly woke up. I lay in bed listening and sure enough, I realized that someone was in my house. At times like this, it's important to remain cool. Remember, the bad guy is on your turf. You know your house like the back of your hand. You know every squeak in the floor and every nook and cranny that you can use for an ambush. The little cocksucker is in unfamiliar territory and it is easy to turn the hunter into the hunted, at least that's what I like to do.
So anyhow, I'm in bed and I hear a noise. So I grab the best personal protection device in the world, a 6 cell Mag Light and go a stalking. I can tell the unlucky bastard is making his way up stairs and has a tiny little penlight to light his way. I duck off into a spare bedroom and wait just inside the door. Now, it's important to hold the flashlight properly. What you do is hold it high, over the shoulder and beside your head. Also grip it as close as you can to the front (where the bulb is dummy) so that you have a good 6" or 8" extending out behind your hand. Now, you wait.
So, I'm crouched in the room, waiting. I can hear the guy coming down the hallway toward me so just as he's about to reach the room, I step into the hallway with the flashlight in the ready position and switch it on, pointing it right in the guy's face. This accomplishes 2 things, first if you're lucky, the guy gets so scared he shits himself. That's always good for a laugh. Secondly, the guy is totally blind and can't see you. What you do next is up to you but here's what I did when faced with this situation.
When 500,000 candlepower exploded right in front of his face my guy didn't know what the fuck was happening. His eyes popped out of his head, he screamed, and he started to turn to run. Not quick enough. I quickly whacked him on both collarbones with the flashlight, breaking them. You should have seen this stupid mook running down the hallway, arms hanging limp at his sides. He looked pretty damn funny. When he got to the top of the stairs. I kicked him right in the back to help him on his way. He flew about 6 feet through the air before he hit the stairs. He must have broken 6 or 7 ribs heh heh. So there he was lying at the foot of the stairs, pretty much helpless. I stood him up and punched him right in the nose, standing him on his neck in the corner. Then I called the police. Maybe the little ner' do well will think twice now before he breaks into someone's house. There you have it. In my books there is nothing better than a big steel flashlight.