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New study shows that Nickelback is the shittiest, most overrated band ever!

Millions of people have long believed it, but now there is conclusive proof that Nickelback is the worst, most overrated band of all time. Dr. Jonas Carlson of the Swedish Institute of the Performing Arts published the results of a 5 year study into why lousy music sells so well in the November issue of Psychology Today. Among the more interesting findings is that, in spite of their sales numbers, the vast majority of critics consider Nickelback to be the worse, most musically incompetent band in the world today. Not only are their lyrics juvenile to the point of absolute stupidity, every one of their songs sounds exactly the same as every other song they have ever recorded. When you take into consideration Chad Kroeger’s horrible singing and his penchant for drunk driving and bad hair styles, one has to wonder why they are able to sell so many albums.

We sat down with Dr. Carlson to find out why horrifically bad bands like Nickelback continue to thrive in spite of their obvious lack of talent.

Wicked Scholars – Dr. Carlson, Nickelback has just released a new album that the critics say is absolute shite, yet it looks like millions of copies will sell. If Nickelback is such a shitty band, why do so many people buy their albums?

Jonas Carlson – You have to understand, most people are very stupid. Lousy bands routinely sell out stadiums, yet universally respected bands often toil away for their entire career, releasing amazing albums, but never playing in front of a live audience larger than 1000 people.

Wicked Scholars – But why is that? We all agree that Nickelback absolutely sucks, yet they sell out tours and they sell a ton of albums. Does the record buying public know something the rest of us don’t?

Jonas Carlson – Nickelback hit on a formula very early in their career and they have never deviated from it. Every one of their songs sounds exactly the same as the last. Their lyrics are all about drugs, drinking, sex, cars, sex, drinking and driving, whores, strippers, and sex. These are things that appeal to pimpley faced 14 year old boys. These are the people who buy Nickelback albums. Most bands evolve throughout their career. They mature and the good ones tackle more mature subject matter and compositions. When a group is made up of 17 or 18 year olds, it’s sort of acceptable for them to write about extremely juvenile topics. When a band is made up of a guys in their 30’s, it’s just icky and pathetic.

Wicked Scholars – Do you think Nickelback will ever grow up and write songs for adults?

Jonas Carlson – I don’t think so. I think they realize how limited their talent is. They probably can’t write about adult subjects and they have no ability a write a new, original melody. They know better than to change things because they want to ride the gravy train as long as they can. They know that the public will tire of them very quickly and they could disappear, never to be heard of again, at any time. They have to cash in right now because tomorrow it could all be gone.

Wicked Scholars – Do you think the band will split up anytime soon?

Jonas Carlson – I think that’s inevitable. Chad Kroeger is a very arrogant man. He has the misguided perception that he can do anything he wants. He drives around in his Lamborgini drunk. Eventually, he will delude himself into believing that he is the talent behind the band and that he is the one people pay to see and hear. He will ditch his band mates and try to build a solo career. Of course, he can’t accept that he has no talent and that no one wants to buy a Chad Kroeger album.

Wicked Scholars – Isn’t it kind of subjective to say that a band is crappy and has no talent? Is that just your opinion?

Jonas Carlson – Well, it would be if I didn’t have statistics to back me up. I’ve devised a method that I call the “Musicality Quotient.” It’s a way of analyzing a piece of music, and comparing it statistically to what are universally regarded as great musical compositions. The higher the quotient, the more defining characteristics a musical work shares with history’s greatest compositions, whether they be classic or current rock, or the works of Mozart. Notably bad bands will likely score between 5 and 10. A truly great band like the Beatles or Rush will score in the 80s. Nickelback scored a 2.5. There’s an all girl heavy metal band called “Rock Bitch.” Very raunchy. During shows, members of the band invite audience members to come up on stage and have sex with them while they are playing. Even they managed to score a 20.

Wicked Scholars – So really, science concurs that Nickelback is the shittiest band ever.

Jonas Carlson - Absolutely!

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© 2009 The Wicked Scholar