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Scooters - They're Not Just for Fags Anymore

Time was, the only people who rode motorscooters were fags and generation X’ers who somehow thought that they were being cool or avante garde. Today, scooters are enjoying something of a renaissance. More and more scooters are appearing on the world’s roads, most often under the butt of someone old or fat. Think about it, why would anyone want to ride a scooter when there are so many uber cool motorcycles out there? Consider the typical scooter, whether it be a Vespa, a Lambretta, or a Dum Fuk Dong. The step through frame design is very much like a girl’s bicycle. Remember when you were a teenager and the worst thing in the world was getting caught riding your sister’s girl bike? A scooter is basically a girl’s bicycle with a tiny motor attached to it.

The only benefit of a scooter’s step through frame is it allows you to be very dainty as you slide on and off the scooter. You can keep your knees together and you can mount the scooter without having to lift your leg over the bike. This is an awesome feature for women in skirts who don’t want everyone to see their pussy when they get onto their scooter, or for transvestites who want to look very ladylike. Men, however, can’t help but look like a total pansy and faggot when they climb aboard their scooter. Even the name "Scooter" sounds very gay. "Oh, I'm going for a ride on my scooter." Sounds like a child's toy

Most scooters are very slow. They have tiny engines and can barely reach the speed limit. Why would a man want to ride something so slow when many scooter riders already have a motorcycle license? We posed this question to Dr. Laban Shrewsbury, head of Psychology at Miskatonic University in Arkham Massachusetts. Dr. Shrewsbury explains that “many men who ride scooters are very effeminate. They aren’t physically strong enough to control or hold up a 500 + pound motorcycle. They need something light and small. Also, they are afraid that if they throw their leg over a conventional motorcycle, their riding partners might try to fuck them in the ass. There is no other logical reason why a normal male would choose a scooter over a bike like a Honda CBR. Cool, hip, attractive young people ride motorcycles, dorks and losers who just think they are cool ride scooters.”

We asked Herbert West, President of the Vespa Club of America (VCOA) about scooter culture and about who joins scooter clubs and attends scooter rallies. "People from all walks of life are attracted to scooters. Sure, a lot of scooterists are the type of people you would call losers and nerds. A lot of them are very elitist and think they are better than everyone else. Pretty much every scooter club I've ever been involved with has eventually imploded because the members tended to be very catty and arrogant and just couldn't get along with each other. There are always a few people who take things way too seriously and make it unbearable for everyone else. They eat, sleep, and breathe scooters which is pretty unhealthy. I've seen a lot of marriages end because one partner had a mid life crisis, started to spend all of their time attending scooter rallies, screwing fat ugly girls and neglecting their families. A lot of club members spend most of their time attending scooter rallies where they hang out with the same people all of the time. This is because the only people who can stand to be around them are other scooter fanatics. I ride scooters because I'm scared of motorcycles and the people who ride them. In the scooter community though, I'm a very important person who makes decisions that affect dozens of people. One of the things I really like about scooter rallies is the nudity. Usually, a bunch of guys end up taking their clothes off and riding around on their scooters, simulating various sex acts on each other. Sometimes, things go a bit too far and they end up sucking each other's cocks or fucking each other in the ass. It's really funny when the photos start circulating on the internet and then the guys freak out because they're afraid their spouse will see them."

The Wicked Scholars have never been fans of scooters and don't recommend that anyone under the age of 50 ride one. Remember, friends don't let friends ride scooters.

Typical Male Scooter Riders

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© 2007 The Wicked Scholar