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Have You Ever Noticed That No Good Looking People Believe in Alien Abductions?

This was the question asked in the University of Kalamazoo lecture theatre by noted astronomer Dr. Laban Shrewsbury last Friday evening. Dr. Shrewsbury, whose latest book, "Use Your Head and Stop Being Such a Loser, You Loser," is currently on the New York Times bestseller list, was brought to Michigan by the Wicked Scholar's Society as part of their "Let's Debunk Everything and Make People Look Stupid" lecture series.

Dr. Shewsbury is the head of the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) project at the Mount Kadath Observatory in Arkham Mass. and has spent the last 35 years searching for proof of life elsewhere in the universe. "The possibility that life exists somewhere else in the universe is an intriguing probability. When you consider that there are more stars in space than there are grains of sand in all of the beaches in all of the world, it seems impossible that life would not have evolved elsewhere. In fact, we are now quite certain that many of the basic building blocks of all living things on earth such as certain amino acids and elements, did not occur naturally on earth but were deposited here by comets and other space debris."

When queried about the apparent contradiction between his belief in extra terrestrial life and his cheerful ridiculing of people who believe in alien abductions, Dr. Shrewsbury had this to say to Wicked Scholar editor Eric Wolf: "I obviously believe whole heartedly in the existence of other life forms beyond earth. I've devoted 35 years of my life to the search. What I find absolutely amazing is the number of people who believe totally and completely that intelligent aliens routinely visit the earth and carry out experiments on human subjects. Over the past several decades, I have been contacted by literally hundreds of people who sincerely believe that they have been the victim of an alien abduction.

I've noticed some common threads that bind most if not all of these individuals together. First of all, most of the people who report that they have been abducted are not at all attractive and many are downright ugly. Secondly, almost to a person they are uneducated and quite stupid. Intelligent, critical thinkers, of course, instantly recognize abduction stories for what they really are; the adolescent fantasies of pathetic, fat, stupid, people with empty, meaningless lives. Many of them live below the poverty level and long to escape from an unbearable existence. They fervently wish they could be a Han Solo, a Captain Kirk, a beautiful and powerful queen on a distant planet. Their conception of what aliens look like clearly reflects what they have been conditioned to believe aliens would look like. For example, take grey aliens (grey aliens are anthropoid, hairless, with big black eyes and grey skin. They are often described as looking like embryonic humans ed. note). The statistical odds of creatures that look even remotely human evolving elsewhere in the universe is so astronomically small that it is pointless to even consider the possibility. That we look the way we do is the result of millions of chance occurrences which have taken place since the beginning of time. Had the Great Age of Dinosaurs not ended 50 million years ago, the higher mammals including humans could never have evolved.

The whole concept of the grey alien is taken right out of a 1950's science fiction movie. Aliens had to be different enough from humans to be threatening and alien, but they could not be so different that the special effects and makeup would blow the budget for the movie. So, producers would dress an actor in a shiny suit, put something over their head and face and voila, you have an instant alien. As special effects improved, the 50's alien was gradually refined to look like the image we see week after week on the "X Files."

Today aliens are a cottage industry. People have realized that extraterrestrials mean money. Blatantly fake alien autopsies draw millions of viewers when they are shown on television. Every time you turn on the television the same old dubious evidence for the existence of aliens is trotted our for the brain dead masses who don't realize that the crap they are lapping up was scientifically refuted 30 years ago. It is no coincidence that many of the so called abductees who claim to have been visited by grey aliens watched a lot of science fiction movies as children. The image of the huge headed alien with gleaming black eyes has become a part of our popular culture. If you ask virtually anyone in the world what an alien looks like, they will probably describe what is popularly known as a grey.

The grey alien image is used on everything from snow boards to record labels, to cereal boxes. If one were to develop a paranoia about alien visitors, they would undoubtedly describe the appearance of their tormentors as, surprise, surprise, a grey alien. Even more asinine than the grey alien is the nordic type (nordic types look like Conan for lack of a better comparison. Men are heavily muscled and have long flowing hair. Women are beautiful and have perfect bodies ed. note). It is understandable that homely and insecure individuals would fantasize about being abducted by members of a gorgeous race of aliens, particularly when the abduction experience often involves sexual experimentation and inter- species breeding.

The rich, successful, well educated, and good looking do not believe in alien abductions unless they are mentally ill. Several years ago I conducted a survey of people who believed they had been the victim of an alien abduction to create a profile of the typical abductee. Oddly enough, there is a very strong correlation between the type of vehicle a person drives and whether or not they believe in alien abductions. Seventy three percent of people who have reported an abduction incident drive a pick-up truck that is more than 10 years old. Ninety eight percent of the pick-ups have 2 or more body panels that are different colours. The favourite recreational activity or sport of ninety two percent of the people who reported they had been abducted was watching professional wrestling, hunting, and stock car racing. Seventy five percent of abductees live in a mobile home in the southern United States. Interestingly, there is not a single alien abduction report from Europe, Africa, or Asia.

As most people who believe in alien abductions are stupid and poorly educated, explaining the realities of physics, biology, chemistry, and astronomy is like trying to describe a jet engine to a chimpanzee. It's a futile activity. I don't even bother explaining the theory of relativity to alien abduction believers as most think it has something to do with incest. That's not to say that I haven't sometimes enjoyed my encounters with alien abductees. Their childlike imaginations and wide eyed wonder at the universe around them and the secrets it holds reminds me of me when I was a child, blissfully unaware of a universe of discovery ahead of me."

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© 2002 The Wicked Scholar