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Battle between UFOs Witnessed in the Sky Over Kelowna, British Columbia

The city of Kelowna, British Columbia enjoys a reputation for being one of Canada’s hot spots for UFO sightings. Indeed, in first six months of 2007, there were over 200,000 reported sightings (all from the same person) in the region. The most spectacular of these was an aerial dogfight between UFOs that took place on the afternoon of March 13, 2007. The battle was seen by numerous witnesses who reported what they saw to Ryan Sike of HBCC (Hudson’s Bay Company Cafeteria) UFO Research.

Why is it that so many UFO sightings have taken place in this region? Could it be that an anomaly in the Earth’s electromagnetic field is a beacon for UFOs? Is there a large alien population living and working in Kelowna incognito? Does a larger than normal proportion of the population of Kelowna indulge in drug use? These were the questions asked by the Wicked Scholars as they embarked upon their own exhaustive examination of the evidence surrounding the strange case of the Battling UFOs.

We spoke first to a woman we’ll call C, long time member of the “Welcoming Occupants of Interplanetary Craft Club (WOOICC)” in Kelowna, an organization dedicated to making first contact with visitors from outer space. They like to think of themselves as a “Welcome Wagon for Extraterrestrials.” C recounted the story of a particularly frightening encounter she and a friend experienced in the fall of 2003. The ladies were driving along a dark secluded road in a rural area just outside of Kelowna when C’s 1974 AMC Gremlin suddenly began to experience engine trouble for no apparent reason. “As soon as the engine began to sputter and die, I knew that there must be a UFO in the area. Sure enough, we pulled over, and as soon as we jumped out of the car and looked up, we could see thousands of UFOs that appeared between the broken clouds that were racing past over head. We were so excited by the sheer majesty of it we pooped our pants and then rolled around on top of each other in the ditch for awhile.”

After awhile, C shone her flashlight down the road in front of her car. She was afraid that wild animals might be sneaking up on them while they were rolling around in the ditch. Sure enough, the light illuminated several sets of eyes, glaring at them balefully from the darkness. As the eyes started to move towards them, C could make out the bodies that they eyes were attached to. “They were about 4 feet tall, with dark grey shoulders and gigantic penises. They were definitely “Greys.” They have an anal probe build right into their penis. The last thing you want to do is get fucked in the bum by a Grey alien because they have huge schlongs. One time I hooked up with a Grey disguised as a bartender I met at a nightclub in Kelowna. Man, I walked funny for a week after he probed me. We were so frightened we pooped our pants again and then jumped into the car. Miraculously, the car started and we peeled out of there. What was really weird was there were no other cars in this rural area while all of this was happening. It’s almost like the aliens were exerting some sort of force to prevent anyone else from coming along.”

Terrified, C and her friend stopped in the Walmart parking lot where they ate some psilocybin mushrooms and smoked a couple of joints before heading home and hiding under the covers until morning. We caught up with Ryan Sike of HBCC UFO Research at his table in the Copperhood Restaurant in the Bay store at Orchard Park mall in Kelowna. Mr. Sikes, who has a radio show called “UFO Talk” on CBC Radio has been researching UFO sightings full time ever since he lost his job at the “Magic Krystal Comic Emporium” in Kelowna. We asked Mr. Sikes why Kelowna seems to be such a hot bed for UFO activity. He explained that “ten billion years ago, Kelowna was visited by a highly advanced race of aliens who buried a Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator under Layercake Mountain. It functions as a beacon. On their voyages to Earth across the vast distances of the universe, the aliens follow the beacon to Kelowna, and then spread out from there. Kelowna is sort of like a cosmic bus station.” We asked Mr. Sikes what makes him think that there is a Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator hidden in Kelowna. He told us that he had a vision as a child. “I saw an alien with a funny voice, dressed sort of like a Roman gladiator, and he had this device he called a Space Modulator. One day we were driving along and I saw Layercake Mtn. and I just knew that the Space Modulator had to be buried there. I told my kindergarten teacher all about it the next day and she just laughted. Boy, was she ever stupid.”

We wanted to find out more about this epic battle between UFOs that had reportedly taken place over Kelowna and was witnessed by several individuals. Mr. Sikes recounted that “one witness, who I think you’ve already met – let’s call her C, was heading home from a visit to a Chinese Herbalist who was treating her for radiation burns she received in a previous encounter with aliens. She stopped in at her therapist’s office to get a new prescription and as she paused to adjust the tin foil headpiece she wears to protect herself from alien radio transmissions, happened to look up at the sky. This was in the middle of the afternoon. She noticed several large, dark shapes wheeling around in a fairly tight group a couple of hundred feet off the ground. They made no sound at all and obviously had a very highly developed drive system. They turned very quickly and seemed to be attacking each other, perhaps with energy weapons. Every so often, one would break off, and appear to crash land in a tree. Terrified, D rushed back into her therapist’s office where she was sedated and sent back to her old room in the Psychiatric ward at KGH. This is one of the more credible UFO reports I have ever read. Oh to have witnessed this amazing aerial combat. I bet it was Greys versus Bum Heads. I think they’re battling for prime real estate in Kelowna.”

We asked Dr. Laban Shrewsbury, Professor Emeritus at Miskatonic University in Arkham Massachusetts for his opinion of the evidence for this reported case of aerial combat between UFOs. He told us that “the problem with UFO research in general is the witnesses and the researchers are almost never trained scientists. If they are trained scientists, they are most likely suffering from a mental disorder or Alzheimer’s. Most of the witnesses attribute anything unexplainable to the work of aliens. When they get a bruise and they can’t remember what caused it, they blame it on an examination by aliens. They get a sun burn and they call it a radiation burn from a UFO that must have landed in their back yard while they were asleep. They have a sore anus caused by hemorrhoids and they are convinced that aliens have stuck a probe up their ass. The “researchers” who collect the information aren’t any more scientific. They are true believers and don’t have the scientific training or intelligence to look at the evidence and dismiss it for what it really is, the silly fantasies of someone who has “aliens on the brain.”

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© 2007 The Wicked Scholar