War is Hell
The subject of this column is the horror of war and people who
believe in aliens.
I had a little visit with my former commanding officer in West Africa and the visit put me in a sentimental mood. War is hell, but it can also be a lot of fun.
I was 12 years old when I arrived in Africa in a shipping crate lashed to the deck of a Croatian freighter (mom and dad claimed it was a play fort for me). I got off that boat and the next thing I know, some cock sucker is trying to rob me or rape me or something. He was speaking some weird language so I'm not sure exactly what he wanted so just to be on the safe side, I smacked him over the head with a piece of 2x4 and took his wallet.
I wandered around North Africa for awhile and then a whore I knew hooked me up with a bunch of mercs going to West Africa to join the army of some geezer named La Bamba. They said "hey muthafuck, why don't you come with us." Next thing I know, I'm carrying a automatic weapon longer than I was, fighting in a war. My CO was this crazy little German guy who had been with Rommel in North Africa and was totally fearless.
It's true what they say about war, it's 90 percent of sheer boredom punctuated by 10 percent terror. When we weren't fighting, we were stealing, or drinking, or making it with some prostitute. Not a bad life for a 13 year old kid with a Swiss investment banker handling all of the loot I was stealing. We would tear around in an old pink Land Rover with a 50 cal. machine gun mounted in the back and an anti tank weapon mounted on the hood. We would roll into a village, do what ever we wanted, take anything we wanted, and get out before anyone could try to shoot us. It was great fun!
Anyhow, I was suppose to be talking about the hell of war. I got crabs a couple of times. I got really drunk one night and fell down the stairs in a brothel. Broke a couple of ribs and got a concussion. Got a couple of doses of the clap. Oh yeah, I got bit by a great big fucking snake. Scared the shit out of me. Fortunately the bastard wasn't poisonous or I would probably be dead right now. Yup, war is hell.