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Wicked scholar Editor Eric Wolf Weds!

Saturday, December 7, 2002 was a day that will forever live on in the annals of the Wicked Scholar Society. Eric Wolf, leading light of the literary world, married his sweetheart Jennifer in a ceremony that rivalled the vows of the royals. Robin Leach, covering the event for “Entertainment Tonight” called the wedding “the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Eric was stunning in his formal wear and Jennifer was the bride every man dreams of. Charles’ and Di’s wedding was a complete hunk of shit in comparison.”

The Wicked Scholar is pleased to provide a complete summary of the day’s events.

07:45 Eric Wolf arises. Dresses in a pair of linen trousers tailored in Milan, and a white Armani shirt.

08:00 Wolf is served eggs Benedict, toast, and Costa Rican coffee (La Minita) by his man servant, Mahmut (incidentally, once, while they were in the Congo, Mahmut took a spear intended for Wolf through the buttocks. Although Wolf left him there to die, Mahmut was able to crawl 2,000 miles to safety. Good show Mahmut!)

08:45 Wolf enjoys a fine Cuban (a gift from Fidel Castro) and a port.

09:30 Wolf and Mahmut enjoy a game of Bocce in the topiary. Wolf roundly defeats Mahmut 21-0. With the spear sticking out from his buttocks, Mahmut finds it difficult to move between the shrubs and hedges, throwing off his game.

10:30 Wolf enjoys a Schimmelpfennig and another port.

11:00 Wolf lies down on the couch and watches “Amok Time” from the original Star Trek series.

12:00 Wolf showers and shaves.

12:30 Orders the servants to decorate the car.

13:00 Mahmut drives Wolf to the house of best man, William Weatherton.

Weatherton is nursing a severe hangover, having been involved in a drinking contest with Boris Yeltsin, one of the wedding guests, the night before. Weatherton is a very old friend and University chum of Wolf. During the “Lets Abuse the Wogs” expedition of 1982, Weatherton and Wolf, driving a 1974 Land Rover, embarked on a 5 month debauch in India. So obscene were their excesses that an enraged Indira Ghandi called a special session of the Indian Parliament. Wolf and Weatherton, roaring insults and obscenities are escorted to the Nepal border by the Indian Army and Air Force. Jolly good show lads! Groom and best man dress in their wedding attire and enjoy a Scotch.

13:30 Wolf and Weatherton arrive at the church. They and the ushers enjoy a gin and tonic prepared for them by Mahmut who has thoughtfully brought along a portable bar.

14:00 Jennifer arrives and the ceremony takes place. Many of the wedding guests faint as a result of the sheer magnificence of the event.

14:29 Mr. Wolf whisks Mrs. Wolf away in his Land Rover and gives her a good shagging.

18:00 The Wolfs arrive at the reception. A large contingent from the Wicked Scholar’s Society is present. Having made good use of the several hours between the ceremony and reception to engage in heavy drinking, they are holding a jousting tournament using some coat stands and part of a fence they stole on the way to the hall.

18:15 Ruprecht Mangles is taken away for the first of several visits to the hospital that night. He returns 45 minutes later with 15 stitches in his forehead. Very clever to deflect that lance with your head old bean!

18:30 Dinner is served. Cliff Danger, having consumed the better part of a bottle of Scotch, is passed out. The other members of the Wicked Scholar’s Society stuff the pockets of his formal wear with his dinner then throw him out onto the lawn. The folly of this act soon becomes apparent, almost with tragic results.

As Danger lies helpless on the grass, raccoons, attracted by the smell of the filet mignon in his pockets, begin to mass around him. Just as they are about to attack and perhaps devour Danger, Mahmut, with the intuition of the savage, senses that something is not right. He wanders out onto the lawn and can barely choke back a scream of terror.

Without any regard for his own safety, Mahmut launches himself (as quickly as the spear piercing his buttocks will allow) into the midst of that hell of flashing teeth and razor like claws, covering Danger’s prostrate form with his own. In their feeding frenzy, one of the raccoons nips Mahmut on the toe and his screams are heard by William Weatherton who rushes to investigate.

The raccoons, startled by the arrival of a huge, bellowing, red faced Welshman mantled in a cloud of pipe smoke, retreat into the undergrowth. Picking up a helpless man under each arm, Weatherton carries the near lifeless forms to safety. You are indeed the best man William, jolly good show!

19:00 Mahmut is taken to the hospital for a rabies shot and Cliff Danger is laid out on the gift table. The wedding guests raise their glasses in a toast to Mahmut and Weatherton. The members of the Wicked Scholar’s Society each take a moment to think about the tragedy narrowly avoided, and their part in it. A valuable lesson was learned by all.

19:30 The speeches begin. The bride is toasted by her cousin who stumbles around and stammers something pointless and stupid. The Scholars, defending the honour of Jennifer, launch a volley of dinner rolls at the unfortunate cur. Just when violence seems destined to erupt, the equally inept Master of Ceremonies seizes the microphone. The Scholars listened attentively to his mindless drivel for 3 seconds then Ruprecht Mangles, just returned from the hospital, hurls his chair. Eric Wolf pries the microphone from the hands of the unconscious MC and order is restored.

20:00 The dance begins. The DJ (the incompetent boob who’s lame attempt at toasting the bride almost destroyed the wedding) is found cowering in one of the cupboards in the kitchen. He is dragged screaming to his DJ booth and is ordered to play good music. The complete and utter bastard completely ruins the dance, and the Scholars, bored out of their minds, move outside to enjoy a good smoke.

24:00 The bride and groom leave the reception.

In the end, a good time was had by all. The lack of suitable young women to be shagged by the Wicked Scholars was somewhat compensated for by the free flowing booze, good cheer, and good cigars. As Plato said, “Give me a committed rogue and I will scale the Mount Olympus of adventure.”

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© 2002 The Wicked Scholar